The past week I haven’t really felt like myself. I’ve felt somewhat distant sometimes and I don’t like it one bit. It all kind of surfaced when we had a chance at moving to a lovely local village, lovely bigger home, perfect setting to be congratulated on this chance by officials, then bam – then for it all to fall apart without you being able to do anything, extremely shitty if you ask me. That being said, I also am very thankful for what we do have, we have a very loving family home, its far from perfect but its our home sweet home, it’s what we’ve made it compared to the bare walls, concrete floors it was when we moved in three years ago.
Its just put a downer on certain aspects really, schooling in particular as we had preference for our kids, if we got the house, everything was in place, now its all changed and my head is just all over the shop.
It just really de-motivated me.
Its effected me in a way that it’s knocked my judgement on things, I have low energy, that week we were waiting for reasons for why it wasn’t ours I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I got tonsilitis from feeling so run down. and I just feel like complete poo. On top of that I having to keep a smiley face on for my three little ones, of course they brighten up my day but in those moments when I’m with my thoughts – I think that I have somehow failed them. when in actual fact it was that situation that did, not me. no matter how I say it though, I just haven’t been able to get on top of things.
We lead a pretty busy life with bits of routine including nursery runs every morning there & back, playgroups, swimming every Friday evening, my partner does his running twice a week, I try to fit in my post-natal fitness each evening but this sometimes gets put on the back-burner – reluctantly, then theres the overloading washing from time to time (more recently this week) general chores etc. this week its just hit me! and clouding up my happy place. I just feel like I have no time to stop, and sort stuff out that is really needing attention.
the past week has seen days where I need a food shop, but we’ve made do with popping to the local shop to grab necessities and all the other crap you didn’t really need. The days where I wanted to blitz our house but then remember its near impossible to do so with three children under 4 that need me, need entertaining, feeding, and need me to be there for them. The moments when I’ve tried my best, but it doesn’t seem enough, the washing up staring at me over & over again, clean washing piles that have grown legs across the bedroom floor (girls playing dress up!). The days when I’ve realised that I’m not nourishing myself enough, seeing to everyone elses needs and never meeting my own – impossible really, how can I see to others effectively when my tank is empty?
I get annoyed with myself when I don’t complete my ‘to-do’ lists – usually about a mile long and i’m not quite sure why I make duplicates? I’ll think of something, then note it down, then i’ll think again then again..I have so many personal projects I want to complete, especially getting up to date with my images/movies and getting more organised with it all – just doesn’t ever seem consistent.
Organisation – wow, its the make or break of parenting isn’t it? somedays I have got it down to a T, but others (this week) I am an epic fail. another element I want to try and be better at.
and just overall feeling very shitty about myself, my abilities and feeling like i’m not being a good enough mama.
Yeah those days are crud…
but in the midst of it all, I am so thankful for my three little beauties (even though the girls have been testing me the past two afternoons – I think the lack of my nutrients and good sleep are effecting me really, not them – they’re just being kids!) we’ve had brilliant parts of the week too, its just the overwhelming parts have kind of taken over.
I’m sat here this evening, typing away in a form of therapy. I just needed to write about the past week, I’ve shed tears of frustration, tears of joy with my babies, and just overall a mixture of up & down emotions. I am ever so lucky to have what I have been blessed with – I am actually thankful for these kind of days as it makes me realise that I am more than capable of over coming them just like I have done, I’ve experienced far worse. It makes the amazingly good days feel even more special.
Note to self – dust yourself off & try again – one day at a time.
& start making yourself a priority woman! (post on this coming soon…)
Here’s an image of my tribe from our holiday in August 2014
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