Today, at 10:33pm you turned 10 months old. I honestly can’t believe how fast the past year has gone. From you growing all cosy inside my tummy in your final months, giving birth to you in the most wonderful (albeit super fast) labour, cradling your tiny head in my hands in your first days, overcoming some difficult days in our nursing journey together, the milestones you’ve reached so far and so on.
We’re now at the point where you are crawling and chasing after your big sisters all the time, you have the most adorable way of sitting when you stop for a break – or when you’ve spotted something you want to try and eat! it’s funny how each of you have had your own little quirks about you at this stage. Yve’s had her little feet poking out of her highchair every time she ate there, Halle had her ‘bum shuffle’ and the way she extended one leg out when crawling – hilarious! and yours is to sit with one leg tucked in & a textbook baby crawl which has developed the past month from the funny little army drag.
I find myself just gazing at you in awe – all the time. I watch your little face light up when you see your Daddy returning home from work, or how when you’ve just woke up from your nap you call out “Mama” with your head peeping over the top of your cot, you instantly go in search of your big sisters to make it known you’re awake and ready to play. I love to watch how you are learning so much every single day, you look at the world with your fresh little eyes, everything is so new and innocent. Like watching the water running for bath time in amazement, noises you hear on our little trips to the park, people gathering around you to admire your beautiful blue eyes and pretty face.
You are still really loving our special time just us two for when you’re having mama milk, You particularly love your milk when you wake in the morning for the day, around lunch, and after bath time. The girls love to come and sit with us too half the time and ask me questions about when they had Mummy’s milk, so sweet. You’ve also been having little bits in the night too for extra comfort as you seem to be teething too. I think you secretly just love the extra snuggles too! little beast 🙂 As much as I get tired from the sleepless nights, like with the girls – i love these special moments, its ones we share when everyone else is peacefully snoozing, moments when I can just gaze at your little face knowing how safe and content you feel when you’re in my arms, to try to take it all in, the fact of how fast you’re growing, how fast all of my babies are growing.
Such a bitter sweet feeling.
It hasn’t always been an easy breastfeeding journey. I had struggles with Yve’s too, horrific pain for the first ten weeks, mastitis, an open wound, thrush and lack of confidence. All these things I’m so proud to have overcome, she helped me through, and taught me that breastfeeding is the most natural act ever. Halle was easier to feed, with a few rounds of thrush but nothing like with Yve’s.
Our journey was a bit rough around the 6-12 week mark. I think the main issue was that I expected to know what to do, and that being my third time – nothing would seem difficult. Then eventually, one thing I realised was that all babies are different. In the beginning, you fed brilliantly, then we suspected colic, or reflux or something. so we tried remedies for this, and it just went away on its own. You never cried much at all, just a few episodes when you seemed so upset and we didn’t know why at the time, then you’d let out a huge belch, or from the other end! I think where you love to feed, you turn into Mr Greedypants and get full up.
I did have a few bad days when I felt completely helpless and questioned what I could do, or if we just wasn’t picking it up. Was the time of year a factor (your didn’t like to be cold after bath time, does any baby? especially in winter!) did you have an allergy like Daddy did as a baby? Was you teething already? Was I suffering PND? all these things we questioned, and more but to be honest – I think its just adapting that was happening, having lots of disrupted naps where we had to do the school pick up or the girls wanting to cuddle you lots when you felt tired etc. it seemed relentless for those few days after the weeks up to your twelve week but then it just changed. you managed your burps better! wahoo! and Mummy didn’t expect you to just be like Halle’s feeding journey.
PND. I think I did have an element of this, but again – it was more circumstantial. I would feel like everything was overpowering me, and I was being swallowed up by a huge dark whole. but reflecting back now, it was down to not so much sleep but more so me putting so much pressure on myself. I wanted to suit every ones needs at the same time and ignoring my own. I wanted to be the demand feeding, craft making, playful Mama, amazing home cook, glorious house keeper, happy and showing no signs of tiredness or baby sick down my top partner, chauffeur to pre-school and back, food shopper, blogger, photographer every day, all bundled into one. when all I should have been doing in those early weeks was sitting, and recovering with my beautiful new baby snoozing on my chest and trying to nap when others offered to help. I’ve always been that way, stubborn. I find it hard to accept help, as I personally see it as “me not being able to cope” or something ridiculous. when really – everyone needs a break from time to time. this is something i’m trying to learn more lately, but it doesn’t come easy.
Back to the more recent events of you my sweet boy, you’re climbing on everything and everyone, you are so strong and you managed to pull the play wooden kitchen on yourself twice yesterday in a split second. you enjoy our family swimming sessions every Friday evening, you really enjoy your food too!
The past month or so you’ve started saying “mama”, “dada” and only once have you said “Yve”. I love this stage you’re at, you’re my cuddly koala bear and giggle at everything. You resemble your biggest sister so much to look at and with a hint of Halle too, but more so Yve’s. You’ve all had the chunky thighs, big eyes, long eyelashes and cheeky faces though! its amazing how you can all grow inside the same womb yet be completely individual, Obviously its biology but I still find it fascinating. You are also just like Daddy was as a baby (as still now) for loving back tickles! you go into the sweetest hypnotising mode!
I truly feel so blessed to have you in my life Phoenix.
All my love, Mama xx
Linking up with the ‘ordinary moments’