Not always getting it right – Motherhood.
I have so much bottled up in my head right now, but can’t bring myself to write or just can’t find the appropriate words to use. It’s one of those roller coaster days. One of those days where anything I say, or do – feels like it’s not good enough. I have spent time doing watercolour painting with the girls, making cards for Nanny’s 81st birthday on the 22nd, we’ve sat and read books, watched a little bit of a dvd together. It’s one of those days where they want for everything, they are bickering a lot, the baby is wanting comfort from me more often (hello separation anxiety!), He’s gone for a nap now, So I thought I would catch a little ten minute break for myself, a hot cup of tea, and a little work on my photography.
It’s never easy to do when your workspace is right in the area where your children are, we’re moving soon but my desk space happens to be in the living room, tucked into a corner and just not ideal. I know this will change soon, but making do can be hard when the little ones are interested in all of the expensive gear! poking, prodding – triggers for me asking them “not to do that please”. this gets tiring and I end up feeling so bad for feeling like im on their case! it’s not their issue, I need to separate this ‘work space’ from our everyday, to not have the distractions, to not have the kids wanting to climb over my desk as it just looks too interesting!
Aside from this needing change, It’s just been a challenging day for all I think. Emotions, tiredness, mixed frustration and hunger. I’ve written before about feeling ‘mum-guilt‘ on the same topic.
I’ve had the “I’m not going to be your best fried anymore” from Halle if asked not to do something naughty, I’ve had the constant “What can we do now?”, “where are we going now?”, “Why are we not going anywhere?”. Along with the bickering over the same toy, Halle wanting to do something ‘all on her own’ but Yve’s insists on showing her ‘her way’. These girls love each other fiercely, they bicker but they unconditionally love, even when doing this its usually over offering too much help and the other getting annoyed for not doing it on their own. They are so similar yet different and have the age barrier in between. They are into the same stuff, yet different, they can understand much of the same but obviously where Halle is 1 and a half years younger it can take her a little bit of extra time to focus, and understand if being asked to do something, or just simply wanting to do things her way – two year olds love being in control right? knowing their own mind, living in their own bubble.
Yve’s was the same at this age, but didnt have that ‘competition’ constantly. It frustrates me sometimes when people say about when Halle is having a little emotional moment or as some people say “terrible two tantrum” – I agree that some of these do happen if something isn’t going her way, only natural for a two year olds brain, but a lot of the time she is tired – but not giving in, she is hungry but not accepting the food offered, or just simply frustrated with herself as she is so advanced for her age but she can’t keep up with herself some days. And i’m guilty of this bit too, sometimes I see her and big sister like a duo, and I forget that development wise – she is 1.5 years behind – regardless.
four years,four months into parenting and it’s even more of an eye-opener now. It’s hard work knowing if you’re keeping up with it all, not anyone else’s standards – but your own. at least this is how I feel and that can be dangerous.
Being critical of yourself is far worse than from any other person.
Anyone else feeling guilty for not getting the kids out every day? I am. but to be honest, i’m also thinking – I shouldn’t have to get them out to please them, they need to know that everyone needs a little down time – including them. We usually love spending time at home, but when nursery is out, I think they struggle with adapting back and not getting out every day even if it is for a few hours. and me.
I love this saying that I just say all the time: Be kind to yourself, we’re only human!
Just to say that 90% of the time it’s brilliant, I think i’m just having a rubbish day based on tiredness, and how i’m feeling about myself which is brushing off on how i’m managing the little ones. They have been hard work today and i’ve been irritable, snappy and inpatient but I would probably cope better like I usually do if I were to address my needs and not feel guilty for it!